


can't pretend

by emmamanic



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: AU, F/M, like a space AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-16
Updated: 2014-08-16
Packaged: 2018-02-13 09:12:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,538
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2145147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emmamanic/pseuds/emmamanic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Before The 100 reached Earth, Bellamy Blake was assigned to the Skybox. Block Six, to be exact- and he's always exact about these sort of things, because he has a sister to protect. But then there's these feelings about a blonde prisoner that keeps sprouting up (that clearly shouldn't be there) and talk of a dropship and scandal and suddenly, Bellamy's in over his head, and that's before the universe decides to flip his world upside-down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. feel our bodies grow

**Author's Note:**

> So, the timelines are all screwed up, I know this. Like, they're severely screwed up. But hey, you love me anyways. This story is complete so I'm just gonna post all of the chapters, aight? Aight.

146.

Clarke pushed her head against the grey cement and sighed deeply, her hand dropping from the most recent tick mark she'd drawn. There were 146, now, which meant she'd been here for 146 days. That's more than five months.

More than five months since her father was murdered.

More than five months since she'd been put in solitary confinement.

More than five months since her death sentence had been warranted.

More than five months since she'd lost everything.

Dammit. She was letting herself go again. She straightened up, looking at the wall ahead of her with dead eyes. It was so dull, so lifeless in this box. It had been so long since she'd seen the outside world. She could remember days spent running through the halls, her medical apprenticeship, playing chess with Wells. God, Wells. She could feel red-hot anger bubbling up. Wells, one of the few people she trusted, had betrayed her. He had caused all of this. Absolutely all of it.

She glanced out the thick glass, looking at the stars she'd never be able to touch- and the Earth she'd never be able to visit. How she had dreamed of that planet. The blue sky, the green grass, signs of life, everywhere. She remembered when she still thought of the colors. Her world had lost that since her father..

She was doing it again.

She picked up the piece of charcoal serving as her only art tool, looking at it critically. She had found it in the crack in the wall next to the bed, and she was surprised no guard had taken it from her. Probably her mother's doing. Her mother- a flash of pain lit up in her chest. She missed her more than anything.

Taking the charcoal to the corner of the room, she started drawing. It was all that kept her sane in this world. This life? This life was barely worth living.

* * *

Bellamy looks at the clock, willing it to spin faster, faster. The more time passes, the closer he will be to becoming a cadet- and that means more security for Octavia, better rations, and maybe, something to focus on other than this hellhole he'd been forced to remain in.

He doesn't have any room to complain- his sister has seen nothing but the interior of their pod since she'd been born. But he wasn't complaining, really, just thinking the obvious. Lately, he had been good at stating facts. Like the most important one of them all- he wasn't doing this for him, he was doing this for her. Suddenly, the door opens.

He stands up as fast as he can, banging his knee on the table, a repeat incident of the last time the smug commander visited. Speak of the bastard- the commander walks into the room, the same smug look on his face. It feels the same as that day. The only difference was this time, he doesn't have Bellamy's mother to grope. He shakes his head slightly, moving the thought from his mind as he looks up to the man.

"Commander." He said bluntly, bringing his hand to his forehead in a robotic fashion, showing the proper respect without actually giving a damn.

The commander nods to him in return. "Cadet." He smooths down his uniform in a way that makes Bellamy cringe. Everything he does is just a little too slick, a little too polished. Bellamy didn't buy it.

"It's time for your first assignment, boy," He says, picking at a thread on this jacket. Bellamy's hands ball into fists. It's not as if he was so unimportant- "You'll be working in the containment units."

Bellamy's hands release. Containment units? Does that mean what he thinks it means? "Sir-"

"Don't interrupt me!" The man thunders, looking up with fury. Bellamy feels his fists return. "Listen here, and listen well, because I am not repeating this. You'll get no coddling from now on, that's for damn sure. Civilian life makes you soft. We're going to change that. Got it?"

Bellamy chokes down the grimace and nods, stick-straight.

"Good. You'll be working in the containment units. Delivering food, checking up on prisoners, doing rounds, and providing disciplinary actions. Whatever we need, you do it, and you don't hesitate. Normally, we wouldn't put such fresh meat with the prisoners, but we've been short of late, and you've got nothing to lose. You'll start tomorrow." He finishes, giving Bellamy a glare. "Understand, son?"

Bellamy nods. "Yes, sir. Just to be clear, I'll be working with the 18 and unders, correct?"

The commander's glare hardens. "You keep asking stupid questions, and you'll be working as a janitor. How's that for an answer?" Bellamy has never hated him more.

"Understood."

The commander walks stiffly to the door. "Oh, and cadet." He turns, door halfway open. "Don't forget to remind your mother of our meeting tonight. Wouldn't want my recommendation to go to waste." Bellamy swallowed thickly.

"I'll remind her," he manages, settling his stomach as he sets his fist on the table. The door shuts. Bellamy closes his eyes. Tomorrow.. tomorrow, everything will change.

* * *

 

Bellamy grabs his hat from the table, the final step to completing his cadet's uniform. It's not too bad- it fits well, at least, and it's clean, which is the most anyone could ask for here. Besides, it's something new- well, new being a relative term, but it's new to him. He looks down at his chest, baring the Ark's insignia for all to see. He doesn't know how he feels about that.

He looks at the bunks, where his mother and sister are sleeping. Wait- no, his mother must already be at work. Whatever the case, she's not in her bunk. He turns to the door, when there's a rustle behind him. Damn, he didn't want to wake her. Maybe if he leaves now, she won't-

"Bellamy?"

Too late. He looks at the sleeping form and goes over, kneeling on the ground. Wide blue eyes look at him, confused.

"Hey, Octavia. It's early." He whispers. "We're not due for any inspections today, so you can sleep in." She lets out a big yawn.

"O-kay," she mutters, slumber threatening to overtake her again. "Where- where are you going?"

Bellamy looks down. "It's nothing. I'll tell you about it later. Now, sleep!" He says, smiling gently. He leans over and kisses her on the forehead. She smiles softly, the curve barely traceable on her tired face.

"Bye, Bel- try not to get floated." She grumbles, already fast asleep by the time Bellamy's out the door.

* * *

Bellamy raps on the door to the prisoner's deck, a bit anxious, but mostly ready to get his first day over with. Before he can pull away, the door swings open, revealing the grinning, almost manic, face of another commander- his uniform gives him away. The commander opens the door for Bellamy, who tries to avoid any physical contact with the man- he makes him uneasy. This seems to be a trend.

"Commander," Bellamy nods in his direction once he's inside. He stands at attention, arms stiff, back straight, just like training taught him: The Academy has made it clear not following the rules was a severely punishable infraction, and he's not getting himself killed on the first day.

The commander looks at him, head rolling a bit. "Stand down, soldier. This ain't where you need to show respect. Down here, this is where they send the screw ups- the rejects, and that doesn't just stop at the prisoners." He says, letting out a bleat of laughter at this last statement. Bellamy steps away at the sound.

"Sir, are you.. drunk?" He asks, already confused with the situation. The man looks at him, eyes half closed, and cackles.

"Son, you better believe it. How else am I supposed to murder kids?" He picks up a bottle from behind the door and takes a swig. Suddenly, loud, thumping steps come up from behind the man. A much more put-together soldier appears, looking like a true commander- at least, the ones they show to the public. Bellamy resumes his position as the man appears.

"Grants, get the hell off of my floor. This isn't your division." The man barks, looking angrily at the drunk (Grants?). After the bumbling man leaves, he turns to Bellamy, still standing stiff. "At ease," the man says. "I'm Commander Shumway. Welcome to Block Six."

Bellamy immediately loosens himself and follows Shumway, who's already started walking down the corridor. He doesn't see any cells here, but they must be close. He sides up to the Commander, matching his pace, and the man turns and gives him a once-over. He stops walking right before a slide locked door with no windows.

"Cadet. Today we're just testing the waters. You're going to meet all of your prisoners, get to know them a bit. How old are you?" He asks abruptly.

"Twenty-one, sir." Bellamy answers, not sure where this is going.

"Well," says the Commander, "At least you're older than the inmates. This block holds the seventeen year olds. Don't get too cozy- they're all slated to die within the year." On that cheery note, Shumway breaks into a smile. "Justice will be served."

Bellamy shifts uncomfortably at that. As far as he knows, most of the underaged prisoners had only committed minor infractions- but he wasn't going to point that out. "Yes, sir."

"We're going to visit everyone. Just a check up, nothing serious. I've got no punishments to dole out today and I'm not on rations duty. Got anything to say?" He finishes. Bellamy shakes his head. "Good. Let's go meet everyone, shall we?"

* * *

"First up- inmate 3952, Finn Collins. This one's hilarious. You can do anything to him and he won't do a thing. On some 'higher level'. Thinks he's a saint. Thinks he's better than us, probably." The Commander says, his words getting angrier as he speaks.

When he opens the door, the boy in question is lying on the bed, head facing up, towards the ceiling. Finn looks down at Shumway and rolls his eyes. When he sees Bellamy, he breaks into a wide grin.

"Shumway! Who have you brought to meet me this time?" He says, hopping off the bed and going in for a handshake. Shumway pulls out his nightstick threateningly.

"Do we need a repeat of last week, Collins?" He says, holding the stick in the air. Bellamy flinches. He'd been at the end of that stick before, and it wasn't pretty.

"Oh, no sir." States Finn with mock respect, settling back down on the bed. "You and I both know that's not why you're here, anyhow. Who's the new guy?"

Bellamy starts to answer, but Shumway interrupts him. "You'll refer to him as cadet. He's your superior." Finn's eyes darken at that.

"None of you are my superiors, got that?" He says, crossing his arms. Shumway brings the stick up, when Bellamy finally speaks.

"Sir- Commander. You said today wasn't a day for punishments." He says, unwavering. He's not here to make friends, but this boy didn't do anything wrong, no matter how edgy he makes him feel.

"It talks!" Finn pipes up from below. Shumway ignores that and turns to look at Bellamy.

"So I did. I suppose your girlfriend saved you this time, Collins. And cadet- don't question me again. Ever." With that, Shumway exits the cell. Finn looks at Bellamy.

"Thanks." He says, curtly. Bellamy's eyes harden.

"Listen, I'm not going to save you. That's not my job. You got lucky. Remember that." Bellamy follows Shumway, not waiting to see Finn- no, Collin's- reaction. If he's going to stay here, he has to play the part, no matter what moral code he follows- or doesn't.

"We're not repeating that, cadet." Shumway says as soon as they exit. Bellamy nods in agreement. That was stupid- he can't single himself out, he can't try to save anyone- he's not the hero.

"Especially with these next two. Monty Green and Jasper Jordan," Shumway says, unlocking the door. "Two nuts, I'd call 'em. We won't be here long." Shumway kicks the door open with a bang, interrupting the two boys sitting on the floor, talking.

"Drop and give me twenty!" He bellows, hitting the floor with his nightstick. Scared, the boys do as he says, while Bellamy looks on with a mixture of disgust, remorse, and.. there's a bit of excitement there, too. Power really does bring something out in people… Bellamy snaps out of his trance the second he hears Shumway's hearty laughter. The boys on the ground are heaving. One looks to the other and shakes his head slightly (was he Asian?) while the other (can you even wear goggles in prison?) nods back. They seemed to have some kind of code, but Bellamy isn't going to try to understand. Hell, it's his second day.

Shumway looks at Bellamy and nods. "That's the way to do it- use their fear. These are prisoners, remember? Criminals. Don't treat them as friends, and don't treat them as equals." With that, he steps out of the room cleanly. Bellamy takes one last look at the kids on the floor, and follows him. As he's leaving, he hears one speak.

"Well, he was a cheery one." They both laugh. The door swings shut.

* * *

The rest of the day is the same as the beginning. Cells, cells, and more cells. Names- names he knows he will never remember. Faces he's destined to forget. The monotony of Commander Shumway starts to roll together.

"Remember, boy... Inmate 5934… This one's feisty, I'll tell you… DON'T FORGET… Ah, this one. He's not too

Bellamy snaps up to hear the last part of that sentence- someone Shumway  _likes?_ Not possible. The door opens with a hiss as Shumway steps inside with a grin, not unlike the one Grants carried earlier that day. Inside is a man- a boy, really, with eyes that

"Cadet, this is John Murphy. Crazy as hell. Good at staying alive." Bellamy looks at him. He seems the type Bellamy would use if he needed followers- eyes half-mad, the undeniable need to follow orders, a glint in his eye that showed he had no use for remorse- but he doesn't, and here, he's just crazy. Bellamy nods to the boy, who nods back. There's a bit of respect in his gaze, which Bellamy shrugs off with a shudder. He doesn't need these inmates thinking he's some kind of rebel leader.

"You'll have fun with him." Shumway says once they're out of the cell. Bellamy nods, but by now, he's just tired. "That's all the seventeen year olds. They're all that matter to you now. These- oh, damn. I almost forgot."

"What, sir?" Bellamy asks. Shumway is already walking down the hall, to a door at the end. Bellamy follows him, but he's just about done with all of this following.

"Last one, I swear. This girl has a good story- but, nobody cares about your story once you're in here, right?" Bellamy nods. Shumway looks at him.

"Pretty, insane, and won't stop fighting. Also delusional- her walls are covered in.. drawings, of some sort. Her mother's a queen around here- member of the council." At this last statement, he finally gets the lock to open, and just as Bellamy thinks,  _t_ _hat makes her a princess_ , the room's revealed. There's a girl, blonde. She's in the center of the floor, drawing something, he can't see what.

"Griffin. Meet the new boy." Shumway says. She doesn't look up. His eyes narrow.

"Griffin." This time, his voice carries more menace. She looks up, sighing, and sets down whatever she was drawing with on the floor.

"What?" She says, unbothered. Bellamy tries not to smile at how Shumway is reacting.

"This is our new cadet. He'll be working Block Six from now on." He says, as if reading from a card. She won't look at Bellamy.

"Great." The girl looks back down at her art. Picking up her tool again, she continues.

Shumway breathes out heavily. "You look up at your commanding officers." Once again, she drops her tool, and looks up. It's slow, deliberate.

"What does it matter? I'll be dead soon enough." She says, but follows his orders. She looks at Bellamy, and what he sees shocks him. In her eyes is cold, calculated fury. Anger. This girl.. hates him. But there's also- passion. Light. Something he's not used to. She's back to the floor a split second later. Bellamy shifts in his suit, suddenly desperate to get out.

"Crazy bitch," mutters Shumway as he leads Bellamy out of the room. He sees the girl freeze before continuing her art. He walks out as quickly as he can. She's not crazy, but she is something, and Bellamy can't decide which he wants more- to go back in and find out or lock the door and never come back. Doesn't matter- it's not his choice, anyways, and he'll be back here again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.

"You've got your hands full," says Shumway. "But you'll figure it out. Give it a month," he says, clapping Bellamy on the back. "You'll know these delinquents like the back of your hand."

_I know_ , Bellamy thinks as he's being paraded out of the Block.  _That's what scares me._

* * *

Jaha holds his head in his hands.

"We don't need to do this," mutters Kane. "If we don't do this and implement my plan.."

"People will die." Jaha finishes, looking up. "And if we do, people will die. I know."

Kane steps back for the time being. Jaha looks at the hologram in front of him. One hundred prisoners, sent to Earth. If he starts it, it can't be stopped. It'll be done. He'll be sentencing a hundred children to death. Then again, it's not like they're already headed there...

Jaha holds his hand over the button. He's struck with a thought- this is how the bombers felt. Their hand hovered over the button. They didn't know what to do. They destroyed the world.

Now it's his job to save it.

Jaha breathes in. And presses down, hard.

 


	2. and our souls they blend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> names & other disasters

Bellamy shows up bright and early on Block Six. There are plenty of reasons why- the first, clearest, is that he wants to make a good impression- it makes sense; the second, he doesn't want to wake Octavia again. Understandable. Thoroughly, Bellamy racks his brain trying to think of another, but his mind ignores rational sense and chooses this time to focus on the door at the end of the hall- the very last one. Bellamy can't help but wonder what the girl inside is doing.. he blinks, shaking his head slightly, and shifts his gaze to the Commander's station, which seems to be empty- dreadfully empty, actually.

Bellamy steps into the room, boots heavy, slow, deliberate on the floor. He doesn't see anyone in any direction. Bellamy sits down at the table, wondering just how the hell he miscalculated time this badly. Suddenly, there are loud steps from down the hall. A face pops in the doorway- and an unwelcome one, at that. It's the first commander he met- Bellamy realizes his tag names him Fey.

"Cadet," the commander says with a sneer, "What the hell are you doing here?" Bellamy looks at him, eyes narrowed just slightly.

"This is my shift. Sir." Bellamy adds the last bit as almost an afterthought. The contempt he holds this man in is undeniable.  _Some things_ , Bellamy thinks,  _you can't hide_.

"No, cadet, it's 0100 hours before your shift. If I remember correctly- and I always do- you're not due here for another hour." Commander Fey tilts his head, eyeing Bellamy.

"My mistake."

A grin flashes across the commander's face. "Well, aren't you just a  _floating_  hero."

Bellamy winces at that. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me," the commander continues, looking Bellamy full-on, for maybe the first time. "Look at you, a little hero. You think you're gonna work your way up. Be a big shot. Change the world. Maybe even change the Earth."

Bellamy starts to interrupt there. "Sir, I-"

"Well guess what, cadet? You're a goddamn fool. You're not going anywhere. This is it. This is life. It's not ever getting better. You think a high-up job will change your life? Help your mother out? Meet a girl, fall in love or something equally life-ending, have a kid, die? It's all one big circle, cadet. And you're never getting out."

Bellamy's shocked at the commander's words. Why tell him this? Why now? "Commander. I think you have the wrong impression of me." The commander lets out a hollow laugh.

"Cadet, I know more about you than you know." With that, he leaves the room, boots hitting the floor even harder than they had upon his entrance. Bellamy sat back in his chair. What the hell?

After a while of waiting, Bellamy decides to start his rounds, thinking it'd be better than sitting around. Bellamy's never been very passive. He stands up and pushes the door open, checking the halls for any signs of guards. There's still none. Where is everyone?

Bellamy walks past all of the prisoners doors, hearing hushed voices from the doubles and radio silence from the rest. He pauses at the door at the end of the hall. Turns around. Walks back. Looks at it. Walks past again. Soon enough, he's pacing the floor, and he's not thinking about why. He can't afford to, not right now. This girl shouldn't mean anything to him. He hears footsteps in the room- she's moving.

At this, he back away from the door hurriedly. He doesn't know if she could hear him, but he needs to get away. Soon, he's back in the station, waiting for anyone to appear. It must be close to his shift, now- he feels like he's been waiting forever. Bellamy's considering going back to his room to check on Octavia when a guard walks into the room. The guard shrugs off his coat, cracking his neck, and sits down at the table with a thud.

"Alright, cadet?" The man nods to Bellamy. Bellamy nods and opens his mouth to speak.

"Just waiting for my shift." The man's head bounces a couple of times and he loses focus, pulling a hovercard out of his pocket and tapping something Bellamy can't see. Just then, Commander Shumway walks into the room.

"Cadet. Glad you're here. We need all hands on deck today- commanders are reporting to a briefing in 20 minutes."

Bellamy nods at this. "Yes, sir. What will I be doing?" Shumway shrugs.

"Checking up, making sure no one's getting cheeky, and handing out rations at twelve-hundred hours. Mostly, keeping everyone in line. You can handle that." Shumway comments.

"I think I can handle a lot more than that, sir." Bellamy adds, face revealing his disdain.

Shumway catches the look. "I'm sure. You can start your patrols now- it's close enough to time." Bellamy nods, eyebrows raising in a quiet act of rebellion.

With that, Bellamy steps out of the room and starts walking. He can feel the gaze of Commander Shumway on his back, but keeps walking.

Bellamy circles around the doors until he thinks he's going to lose his mind. Is this what being a guard is? If so, he better find some way to keep himself busy. He's never really been the 'shut up and follow' type- and he never will be.

Finally, after years, it seems, Bellamy realizes it's just about time for the prisoners to eat. He picks himself up and goes to the station, looking for someone to direct him to the rations. The young guard is still inside, stacking papers, now. He looks up and sees Bellamy.

"Bellamy, right?" He says with a wide smile. Bellamy nods.

"I need to know where the rations are." He asks.

"Oh, you've got to go to the mess hall for those. Just walk in with that uniform and you'll get them." Atom replies, going back to the papers right after.

"Thanks." Bellamy comments, before heading to the hall. Sure enough, the minute he enters he's herded to the front of the line and given enough rations for his Block. He wonders how they know how many he needs, until he realizes the large 'Six' patch on his uniform gives him away. Nodding to the processor, he heads back to the cells.

When he passes Commons, he sees Atom holding a stack of papers in his hand. Suddenly, he stuffs them into his jacket. He turns just in time to see Bellamy in the doorway and freezes, looking at him warily.

"Listen, it's not what it looks like." Atom says, trying to grasp for an excuse.

Bellamy smirks. "It sure looks like you're stealing official paperwork." Atom pales at the statement.

"It's not- it's just-" He stammers, when Bellamy stops him.

"Don't worry, I'm not a snitch. Just get that out of here." Atom looks grateful.

"Thank you so-" Bellamy decides to interrupt him again- he hates groveling.

"It's fine." With that, he takes the rations around to the rooms.

He stops at the first door, Collins, and remembering the unpleasant exchange he had last time, decides it would be best if he just slid the rations in. Collins catches him just as he's walking away.

"Cadet! Welcome again. How's your day been?" Collins says, cracking a smile. Bellamy rolls his eyes and walks past without a word.

Bellamy does the same to the next room. This room had the pair- what were their names? Oh, he doesn't remember. He slides their rations in as well, thinking he doesn't have the mindset today to listen to what banter he's sure they have. Luckily, they don't comment as he passes.

Nothing report-worthy happens as he continues his rounds. One boy, Murphy, stares at him as he pushes the rations into his room. Bellamy keeps his gaze until the service door shuts. Most doors he passes without comment, some, he receives thanks. Eventually, he only has one packet left. Something makes him want to enter the room for this drop-off.  _This is a terrible idea,_ Bellamy thinks as he unlocks the door at the end of the hall.

* * *

Once again, the girl is drawing on the wall. She looks up as he walks in, and avoids his eyes again. Bellamy sets down the rations and knows that he was right- this was not a good idea. He straightens back up and heads for the door, when her voice sounds up from the corner.

"I don't think guards are allowed to be alone in prisoner's rooms," she says, shading the drawing. She looks up, catching his eye this time. He suddenly realizes that she's teasing him. Bellamy tilts his head, and there's a tint of smile in his voice when he responds.

"That's not the memo I got, and I'm the one wearing the guard's uniform." She lets out a chuckle- humoring him, he's sure- and looks down, faint smile etched on her face. The second she become self aware, her smile freezes and she's back to stone. "Actually, I wouldn't know. It's my second day."

"That explains a lot." She doesn't look up for this.

He looks at her questioningly. "What does it explain?"

She stares him dead-on. "You don't have the look."

"What look?"

"You don't hate yourself yet." With that, he shifts his weight and stays quiet. The room is still for a good twenty seconds when he comments on what she's drawing.

"That's pretty good, you know."

"You know what? How about you go float yourself." He's thrown off.

"What?"

"You heard me. You can stand there and joke when you're going to murder me in just over a month. You don't care. None of you care. You're just like all the rest-"

"I'm not." He's had enough of people telling him who he is. "I didn't want to be a guard in the first place. You have no idea what I'm doing this for. Who I'm doing this for." She seems taken aback at this statement.

"Who- you're not-" She starts, but he cuts her off.

"No, I'm not. Because you don't know. You don't  _know._  So stop pretending you do."

"I'm sorry."

"What?"

"You're right. I don't know. Being stuck here gets in your head. It's not like I'll be here long enough for it to matter, anyways."

Bellamy lets the words hit him. She's going to die. Suddenly, pain shoots in his chest. For some unknown reason, doesn't want that to happen. He'd never want that. He stays silent for a moment.

"What are you here for?" He asks, quiet.

"Haven't you heard? I know something- a secret that's not even mine." She sounds bitter, but for some reason, it doesn't sound like it's because of the secret.

He stands there for a moment, and then steps to the door- feeling completely helpless. What the hell is he doing? His mantra was 'don't get attached', and here he is, getting teary-eyed from the first person he starts to care about. This isn't how he's going to survive.

"What's your name, cadet?" The voice is soft. So soft, he can barely hear it.

"Bellamy."

There's a second of silence. Bellamy can hear his heart pounding. Her breath catches before she responds-

"Clarke."

He closes the door behind him.

* * *

Clarke stays staring at the door for minutes after he leaves. What the hell is she doing? She can't get attached to anyone- especially a guard. They're the kind of people who  _killed_ her father. And the ones who are going to kill her.

But she can't help but stare at the door for a little longer.  _Bellamy._ She whispers it, on the tip of her tongue. It's fascinating, really.

She's still tasting it when she goes to bed that night.


	3. feel, my skin is rough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> memories & chess

Bellamy stretches his shoulders- it's been a long day, and he's definitely ready to head back to his pod. In his past two weeks here in the Skybox (he'd also picked up on some of the slang), he'd learned a lot. Passing out food, doing physicals, making routine checks- he'd gotten faster and more sure of himself in his job. Now, he didn't ask what to do- already knows- and somehow this small victory is enough to keep him going.

Besides, of course, the fact of rations. They've given him more- unfair, yes, but it's a blessing when you have three to feed on the rations of two. The job in and of itself isn't so bad. There are perks that he didn't anticipate- the prisoners who aren't bad company, becoming friends with Atom, and maybe the most strange of all, Clarke.

She was... something, he didn't know what yet. Bellamy couldn't deny that she made him feel things he had never felt before, but honestly, he wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing. Clarke brought out a side in him he didn't know was possible, made him think of things he never would have thought about before. He remembers his fourth day at work- he had decided to check up on Clarke-

_._

_"Do you ever dream of Earth?"_

_Clarke had been staring out the window when Bellamy walked into her cell. She knew it was him as soon as the door opened- no other guards ever visited her. They thought she was self-centered, stuck up, but not Bellamy. When she spoke, her voice was breathy, curious. Bellamy shrugged his shoulders._

_"I've thought about it- I think everyone has. I just don't see any point when I'm never going there." He answered. She was still looking out the window when she responds._

_"I dream of it. I wonder- what would it feel like? I was born in space- well, we all were. I've never felt the sun on my face, or breathed real air, or floated in water. I don't know, I- I want to feel it."_

_Bellamy was listening, he swears, but there was something about the way she was talking that made his expression go slack- his heart beat faster. He cleared his throat, and she looked at him, smiling._

_"What?" She teased. "Got something against dreams?"_

_Bellamy let the corners of his mouth go up and shook his head. "No, just the unrealistic ones."_

_"Killjoy." She muttered and goes back to the stars. This time, he lets himself smile, full on- but only when she's not looking._

.

Bellamy grins again at the memory. Lately, his memories of this entire place had gotten better. Somehow, these inmates, prisoners, had become something like his friends.

_._

_Bellamy opened the door to the twins's room- and by 'twins' , he meant Jasper and Monty, but he'd called them the twins in his head since the second time he saw them. They were so in tune with one another, all of the time- just like twins._

_"Time for recreation. Are we doing in cell or out of cell today?" Bellamy asked the boys._

_"In cell-" Jasper started._

_"Out of cell-" Monty called at the same time._

_Bellamy looked on in surprise. This was the first time they hadn't agreed to something. "I need an answer."_

_Monty looked at Jasper and gave him big eyes. "Jasper, we had in cell last week. Besides, there's no girls in here. There are girls out there!"_

_Jasper groaned back. "Yes! That you can't touch! That's torture! Besides, in cell, nobody can mess with us."_

_Monty rolled his eyes. "It's not like we can't ignore them! Come on, Jasper." Jasper looked up at Bellamy._

_"What do you think, Bellamy?" Jasper asked, trying to get him vote._

_"It's cadet." Bellamy grinned. "And I'd say looking is a whole lot better than nothing." At that, Jasper groaned loudly._

_"Yes!" Monty yelled. "Come on, let's get our mandatory physical activity on."_

_The boys followed Bellamy out of their cell, bickering the whole way._

.

Bellamy remembers how smug Monty had been that day. Somehow, the two always seemed to bounce back from every argument. Though, he figures, anyone would if they had to share a cell all of the time.

Sharing a cell- the words pull up another memory, fresh in his mind.

_._

_"Why are you in solitary?"_

_Bellamy was sitting on the floor outside of Clarke's cell. As he was the only guard on duty, there was no danger of getting caught lazing around._

_"Like I said, a secret." Her voice permeated the metal and made him feel warm. He shifted, unknowingly placing himself directly parallel to where Clarke was sitting in her cell._

_"That doesn't seem like grounds for solitary." Bellamy commented, head tilted towards the door._

_"They can't trust me not to tell anyone." Clarke sounded a bit desperate. Bellamy wanted nothing more than to let her out, but he knew their grim reality is just as dark as her four walls._

_"You haven't told me. And we've been friends for a while now." She laughed at that- good._

_"I don't really have friends anymore. I had one- key word being had." Her voice filled with bitterness. Bellamy grasped to change the subject, not knowing what to do._

_"What did you like to do, before prison?" Ouch. Probably a touchy subject. But the words had already spilled out of his mouth, so he went with it._

_"Lot's of things. Art, mostly. Medical work. Chess." With the last word, she peaked his interest._

_"Chess? I've always wanted to learn how to play chess." He'd said it so flippantly, a backhanded comment, but Clarke hadn't taken it that way._

_"I could teach you."_

_"Really?"_

_"It's not like I have anything better to do." He smiled at that. Alright, Clarke was going to teach him how to play chess. What could go wrong?_

.

Now, Bellamy can't imagine a time before sitting on Clarke's floor, studying the board she'd drawn with her precious charcoal. It had only been a week, but she had taught him all of the basics, at least- how the queen was the most important piece, the king is a sitting duck, and pawns could only move once. He practiced at home, now, and Octavia often made fun of him for his misshapen pieces made from anything he could find.

His time at the Skybox hadn't all been fun and games, though- something weird was definitely going on. Bellamy couldn't put his finger on it, but he's been hearing things... things that worried him.

_._

_Shumway walked into the station with a deep face on- a mask, covering any real emotions. Bellamy looked up and nodded, but Shumway was too preoccupied to respond. Bellamy continued his job until Shumway interrupted him._

_"Cadet?"_

_Bellamy looked up. "Yes, Commander Shumway?"_

_"Have you ever thought of Earth?" Shumway said, looking at him. Bellamy immediately flashed back to his conversation with Clarke about Earth, and felt a blush coming up. He shoved it back down though, to answer Shumway._

_"I suppose, sir." He gave a noncommittal answer, not knowing what the right one was._

_"Yes." Shumway said, looking out the door to the prisoner's rooms. "God bless our souls."_

_"What, Commander?" Bellamy asked, concerned._

_Shumway looked shocked when he turned back to Bellamy. "Nothing, cadet. Back to work."_

* * *

_Bellamy knocked on the door to Commander Fey's office and waited outside, at attention. He waited for a good minute before knocking again. When he got no response, he decided to open the door a hair to see if anyone was inside._

_"The… dangerous? How… no, of course… no men, yes sir." Commander Fey was speaking on a comms unit, talking to some unnamed source. "We have everything prepared on our end for launch in one week. Yes, it could be earlier, but that is the prime launch date… Yes sir… The last briefing went well, and all Commanders are now fully aware of the situation."_

_At this, Bellamy closed the door. As much as he wanted to know what the hell was going on, he also didn't want to lose his job. He waited until the Commander had stopped mumbling and knocked again- this time, fully prepared for the opening door._

.

Bellamy shakes his head, almost to his hall. He'd rather think of happier things, things to take his mind off of all of this. His mind returns to Clarke, again- damn, he's got it bad.

_._

_"And then I burned my hand on the chemical in the beaker and got sent to indefinite detention." Bellamy was smiling hard, because Clarke was losing it._

_"All of this for a girl? Some girl!" She said between breaths._

_"Wanna know a secret?" He asked her._

_"My specialty." She responded, dry as ever._

_"I don't even remember her name." Bellamy almost wanted to laugh, too, though the experience was anything but funny at the time._

_"Goodness, Bellamy, you're not winning any awards for grace." She mentioned, eyes drawn to her hand-drawn chess board on the floor. "Hey, how about a move?"_

_Bellamy groaned. "Not this, Clarke! I've learned more about chess in a week than most people should learn in a lifetime!"_

_Clarke rolled her eyes. "Humor the dead girl, alright?" Bellamy immediately sobered up._

_"What?" He said, tone hushed. She looked startled._

_"Sorry, it's just.. my birthday's in just over a month."_

_Bellamy wouldn't look up._

_"I'll do everything I can-" He started._

_"There's nothing you can do. She said, eyes on his. "Alright? Don't you dare feel like any of this is your fault."_

_He looked up, finally. She looked so fierce, sitting on the floor of her prison cell,all blonde and blue and had never wanted to kiss her more. Before he could, she cleared her throat._

_"Okay, the move. This one's quick. It's called a Swindle." She pointed to the board. "Essentially, this is a last-ditch effort. Let's assume I'm your opponent. I've only got one chance to win- take an important piece of yours to force you into losing and me into checkmate. For example, your queen. Zukertort–Steinitz successfully pulled it off way back in the 1800's- he won the queen. And as I've already told you, often, whoever has the queen has the game."_

_Bellamy looked up from their game. "Yes, but I still have the queen." He pointed to the smudged 'Q' on the floor._

_Clarke smiled. "Not for long." She reached over and rubbed out the Q, replacing it with a K for knight. She laughed at Bellamy's shocked face, and handed him the piece of charcoal._

_"Your turn!"_

.

Bellamy reaches his pod and unlocks the door. The first thing he's hit with is how quiet it is. He's not used to so little noise. Inside, the lights are off. That's strange, he thinks. Octavia hates the dark.

"Octavia?" He calls, wondering if she's asleep. She's not in either bunk. She must be under the floorboards- nothing new. He moves the table and pulls up the loose piece of flooring. He steps back in shock when there's no one there- It's completely empty.

No. No, no, no, no, no. Where the- where is she? Bellamy stands up, mind racing, in a panic. He pulls at his hair, looking frantically around the tiny room. She couldn't hide anywhere in there, but he flips the table anyway, checks behind the door, the closet, under clothes. There's no denying it- she's gone. She's gone. His sister, who he swore to protect, is gone.

Where the HELL is Octavia?

 


	4. but it can be cleansed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> please, god, tell me we're dreaming

here's nothing but blood rush in Bellamy's ears.

_thump_

All he remembers is running, down a hallway, into an office, fear remaining etched on his face no matter how much he shakes. Halfway down the hall, he realized his mother was gone, too. He almost hadn't thought about that, since Octavia would always be his priority- but his mother, she would know where Octavia is.

He runs to her workplace- there's women, sewing, rows and rows of broken thread and whispered misgivings, but his mother's spot is empty. He growls at her neighbor- " _Where is she?"_ and the woman responds with a shrug.

"You mean your mother? She was taken away by some guards earlier. I doubt it's anything to worry about- she'd never commit a crime."

_thump_

Then he's running again. Dammit,  _dammit_ \- his worst fears have been confirmed. If his mother was taken, they knew about Octavia. He could only hope they hadn't killed her- that they would give her a chance. He heads straight for the commander's office, where Commander Fey is sitting, hands folded, almost as if he's waiting for Bellamy. Bellamy shouldn't be here- no one but the night guards should- but Fey is wide awake.

"Hello, cadet. Why all the hurry?" Bellamy is breathing too heavily to punch him.

"Where is my mother?" He says, each word costing him, feeling like a kick in his stomach.

Commander Fey smiles wickedly. "Didn't you know, boy? Your mother was holding a dangerous fugitive. You're under arrest."

_thump_

His heart drops in his chest.

_thump_

Commander Fey is holding out handcuffs

_thump_

He has to run. He just has to run. That's his only choice- he's over 18, they'll kill him, then-

_thump_

"Let the boy go." Commander Shumway is in the doorway, in a protective stance. Commander Fey looks back at him with a sneer.

"Shumway, I'd suggest you stay out of this."

"Funny, I was about to offer the same advice to you." Shumway puts his hand on Bellamy's shoulders. "You know how we deal with this. Parents are sentenced, siblings are not. You can't hurt the boy." Commander Fey's eyes fill with fury.

"I can do whatever the hell I want." Bellamy's dazed, but this line stands out to him. What, and ignore all laws? What, and  _kill_ him? What, and become a monster?

Shumway smiles at this. "Careful, Fey. You're already on thin ice. Not finding the girl, any year? Seems a bit suspicious, don't you think?" Commander Fey stands up, face in a rage.

"Now, you listen here, Shumway. If you're calling me a traitor-" Shumway stops him.

"I said nothing of the sort. Come on, Bellamy, let's go."

But Bellamy won't leave until he knows what happened to his sister, and his mother.

"Commander Fey. Where is she." He says, voice even through the aerobatics his heart is doing.

"Harboring a fugitive? She was floated instantly. Shame, I won't have that sweet piece of-"

Bellamy reaches out and punches the Commander in the face. He sees Fey's ugly face flail back, grim satisfaction giving way to emptiness. Then, the world turns black.

_thump_

"Bellamy, we have to go."

_thump_

"You'll be suspended."

_thump_

"Your sister is still alive."

_thu-_

"Where?" The pain is audible in Bellamy's voice, but so is the relief. If he'd lost Octavia, too...

"Block Two. And she'll be there tomorrow... but you won't."

No, not more curveballs. He can't take it. They've taken everything away from him already, they can't just-

"Don't worry," Shumway continues. "It's only a three day suspension. You're scheduled to be back on Block Six in just three days time, but until then, if you're seen on the premises you'll be tried as a civilian." Bellamy doesn't register what this means, because his brain is too busy blinking in and out, deprived of oxygen because he can't exhale, heavy.

_thump_

"Cadet, I think it would be best if you headed back to your pod. There's nothing left for you to do here." Shumway says.

Bellamy nods. Was this shock? This was shock. He doesn't know what to do but follow Shumway's orders. He heads to his hallway, numb. When he opens the door, he half expects to see Octavia mending a blouse at the table, his mother laughing at a mistake, but there's only a half-wrecked, dark room. Bellamy doesn't even take off his clothes- he just lays on the bed and refuses to feel.

* * *

Bellamy wakes up the next morning to a brightly lit room. His mother's sleeping in the bunk below him. Smiling, he bends to wake her up, when her eyes shoot open.

"Bellamy-" she calls, panicked. Bellamy reaches for her, but she's too far away.

"Mom!" He yells. "MOM!" She disappears. Bellamy pulls at his hair when he hears a creaking behind him. The door to the hole in the floor is opening on its own.

"Bellamy.." Octavia whispers, sitting up. Her eyes are closed.

"Octavia?" Bellamy looks at her, propping himself up on his arm. "How did you-"

"You swore to protect me.." Octavia is turning towards him. Bellamy fully sits up now.

"Octavia, how.."

"You PROMISED!" Octavia's eyes open, glowing green. Bellamy screams. "You SAID YOU WOULD PROTECT ME, BELLAMY."

"I'M SORRY! I COULDN'T SAVE YOU! I COULDN'T-"

All the lights go off as Bellamy wakes up to an empty room. There are dried tears on his cheeks, a sob stuck in his throat. It was just a nightmare.. for a second, Bellamy forgets that Octavia and his mother are gone and reaches for the light switch. When light floods the room, he sees wreckage and knows. They're really gone.

Bellamy shuts the lights back off and tries to fall back asleep, but the room feels even emptier than it did before.

* * *

Rooms and rooms away, Octavia is trying to sleep. She didn't know what else to do when she got into the room- it's so much colder here than it was under the floor. Here, there's no Bellamy to give her a hug and a blanket, leaving himself cold but not minding because she's his sister.

Oh, God, Bellamy. Octavia rolls around on the hard metal bunk and squeezes her eyes shut. There's no hope for her mother, but- Bellamy's over 18. They could float him, too. She doesn't know if he's alive or dead and she can't stand it.

Octavia gets up and walks directly underneath the ceiling. The only thing- the only good thing about this entire experience is that now, she can see the stars. The Earth. She'd never once seen it, never once left her four walls. It's a hell of a culture shock.

Octavia holds the threadbare blanket over her shoulders and sits on the floor, under the glass light. She stays that way, almost overcome by exhaustion and a whole different emotion- terror. Her worst dreams- he worst  _nightmares_ have come true- and now, her mother is dead because of her, maybe her brother, too.

Eventually, she drifts off, letting herself go to the sleep threatening to take over. She doesn't sleep on the bed- she stays on the floor. It's the only place she's ever known, and it brings a bit of comfort, no matter how cold the room is. She's replaced her prison with a new one, and under the clear dome, she sees a star- brighter than all the rest.

Bellamy used to tell her that you could always wish on the brightest star. She'd dreamed of what she'd wish for- a trip out, a normal life, a father. Now, though, things have changed. Octavia crosses her fingers, and under the brightest star she's ever seen, wishes she had never been born.

* * *

Clarke's been awake for hours. She goes through cycles- she sleeps too much and then stays awake too much, never striking the perfect balance. She's a pendulum, ready to get tipped too far, always on the verge of hitting the edge or falling short- and right now, she's falling way, way short. That means she's not miserable, though- she sleeps on the days the Skybox is closest to Hell.

Lately, though, Hell has been a hell of a lot easier to deal with.

Maybe it's to do with the visits her mother has been making, or the length of time she's been here, but it's been better than it used to be. Those first nights, she would just cry herself to sleep. Solitary was harder than it looked- at least the other prisoners got recreation, activity, with others- she couldn't leave her cell, ever. The only way she would see people is if they came in. Luckily, some of the guards had come in. She says some- really, there's only the one. Bellamy.

She really doesn't know what to feel about him. She likes it when he's there and misses him when he isn't. She knows it couldn't be anything like love, because she barely knows him. She knows it couldn't be anything as simple as companionship, because he makes her heart race and her blood boil- sometimes, at the same time. But she knows it isn't love. So, what is it?

He intrigues her- challenges her. It's good for her, something to focus on besides the stars. She's spent so much of her time looking at the stars.

She rolls over, ready finally for sleep, and dreams about the way the Earth looks through thick panes of glass.

* * *

Shumway's woken up by the sound of a fist banging on his door. He's used to meetings in the middle of the night- usually, though, he's told about them, and he didn't get a memo about this one. He reluctantly shrugs on his coat and gets to the door, bleary eyed. He opens the door, and a cadet (What was his name? Ada- Atom, yes.) is standing there.

"Commander! You're due in the head station in 5 minutes." Shumway lets out a yawn and nods to the boy.

"Cadet. Yes, I know you. Did you get me those papers I asked for?" Atom nods curtly and pulls a stack out of his jacket. Commander Shumway takes them and smiles at the boy.

"Good. The rations will be sent to your room. Now, I have a meeting to get to." Shumway steps beyond Atom and continues down the hallway, heading for the station. When he arrives, he sees many equally tired Commanders lining the seats. Only Commander Fey is wide awake.

"Commanders. Sorry to get you up so early, but we've got a crisis. You all remember the meeting we had two weeks ago, recalling Operation Hundred? They're moving it up. No idea why, guess the Chancellor got a little antsy. Whatever the case, The Hundred are scheduled to leave in two days. I expect all papers filled out and all stations clean for their departure, you got that? Any sign of misbehavior and you'll be stripped of the badge. If anyone on this ship hears word of this, you'll be stripped of your life. Understood?" Commander Fey finishes.

All of the commanders nod back at him. Fey smiles and signals that they can leave. The commanders began shuffling to the doorway, when Fey signals for Shumway to come to him.

"Shumway. I need to talk to you. Seems some important documents are missing from your Block. I need to know why."

Shumway doesn't even think about it- coolly, he responds to the man, "Cadet Atom was the only one dealing with our documents. Search him and I'm sure you'll find what you're looking for." Fey gives Shumway a glare.

"You had a quick response to that, commander." Shumway senses the accusatory tone.

"Only keeping on top of things, Fey." With that, Shumway heads out of the room, not bothering waiting for his dismissal. He heads back to his pod, satisfied with how things are turning out. With any luck, he'll be home free in just two days- the Chancellor will be dead, and the only suspect will be on an a ship to Earth. The thought is soothing, and within minutes, Shumway's asleep.


	5. i guess that's love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and the penny drops

When Bellamy wakes up, his throat is raw and his eyes are dry. It's been a long night, but no matter how empty he feels, he needs to get up for work- he's halfway out of bed when he remembers his suspension. Bellamy lies back down, head in his hands. He's banned from the cells, but there's no way he can't go find Octavia. No freaking way.

After a few seconds of considering the dangers of sneaking into the Skybox, he gets himself out of bed and rolls his head around a few times, shaking whatever tiredness he felt out of his shoulders. He has to be on full alert if he's going to get anywhere. Pulling out his guard's uniform, wrinkled from the night before, he gives it a good shake. If anyone on Block Two finds him and doesn't know who he is, he could get away with this.

Once dressed, he slips out of his room, giving the view from the doorway a long, cold look. If he could just move somewhere else,  _be_  somewhere else, that doesn't keep the memories of his sister and mother trapped within corners and walls.. he drops the thought from his mind as he shuts the door with a resounding clang.

Bellamy is self-conscious, walking down the hallway. A quick look to the wall lets him know that it's midday; he must have slept through the morning. That can't be helped, though, and he isn't waiting until tonight. He can barely think straight as it is, and he doesn't trust himself alone to not do anything irrational or stupid. Then again, this is pretty irrational and stupid.. but he's smart, and he knows he won't get caught.

The halls of the quarters are devoid of movement, with children in school, adults at jobs- no one remains at home. Bellamy quickens his pace, passing the busy business halls and long, thick corridors leading to the medical wing- the line's so long. It would normally worry him, but he's used to seeing people hurt and sick, and today there are bigger things on his mind.

Reaching the Skybox, he waits for another guard to go in, feigning that he left his identification at home and he doesn't want to go all the way back. They may not have put his suspension on his I.D., but he's not taking any chances. Inside the Skybox, he sees the floors of children and makes for the second one.

On Block Two, he finds only the occasional guard and snoozing commander. Once there, he realizes how lost he is- how the hell is he going to find her? He knows the passcode to get into rooms, but only the Block Six codes, and a quick investigation shows that the passcodes are indeed different.

Bellamy starts rapping on doors, but that shows to be useless. The ones who answer aren't Octavia, and none of them can open the door from the inside, anyways. He begins to lose hope when a door he strikes gets him a loud, angry response.

"WHAT?" Bellamy's heart soars. He would know that voice anywhere.

"Octavia-" he starts, but she interrupts him. The voice is ridiculously muffled, but as she walks closer to the door, he hears a clearer -albeit hushed- sound.

"You have the code, idiot, just open the DAMN door. It's not like you're the one LOCKED IN-"

"Octavia!" Bellamy's as loud as he can get, worried a guard will hear him.

The voice is immediately silenced.

"Bellamy?" He hears a sigh of relief. "Oh, God, is it really you?"

Bellamy smiles. "It's really me."

Octavia's voice is scratchier than he remembers. Raw. "Bell.. I thought they might have floated you, too."

"No. I told you I'd never leave you." Bellamy's head is starting to hurt. Damn it, he can't see her, and that's the worst part. They're both quiet for a moment.

"This is so unfair." Octavia's voice is quiet through the door. Everything they say is muffled- barely heard, even just between the two of them.

"I know." Bellamy sighs. "Listen, Octavia- I can't stay here long. I'm suspended, technically."

"What did you do?" Octavia asks.

"Don't worry about it. But I can't stay. If I get caught.. well, that's not a good thing." Bellamy can hear Octavia sniffling.

"Okay. You can't get caught- go, I'll be fine." Octavia responds, voice even. Bellamy leans his head against the door.

"Listen, if anyone hurts you, anything happens.. tell me. I'll do something about it. I promise." He tries to keep anger out of his voice, because none of this, none at all, is Octavia's fault.

"Go, Bell." Octavia's quiet. Bellamy nods, fully preparing himself to leave her, and steps away from the door.

"I'll come back as soon as I can." With that, he walks out of the Block.

* * *

Bellamy doesn't know what to do now- head back to his room? Sit there? Fall back asleep? Three days of this torture. How the hell is he going to do it? Bellamy heads back to Block Six, the same level his floor is on, and is walking through the hall when he hears loud steps.

It could be nothing. Nothing at all. Bellamy stands closer to the wall, ready to walk it off, when he hears a voice coming his way- Shumway's.

Damn it, dammit, dammit- if Shumway catches him, Bellamy is sure to be floated. His heart starts racing as he breaks into a run, trying desperately to be quiet, and frantically starts punching the code into the closest prisoner's door. The door gives way as the steps get closer- and the second they round the corner, the door is securely shut, with Bellamy inside. Safe. Suddenly, he realizes the room is not unoccupied, and turns to see the surprised face of Clarke Griffin.

* * *

"What are you doing h-"

Clarke's question is cut off my Bellamy's hand over her mouth. She drops her charcoal in surprise- he's never touched her before, and definitely never needed her to be quiet. She starts to struggle when she looks at him.

Bellamy's eyes are on her, pleading what he's too proud to say. Seeing them, she begrudgingly decides to comply, knowing he's going to have a hell of a job explaining what he's doing in a minute. The loud steps walk by the door, and by Bellamy's guess, stop in the guard's station, located- directly across from this room.

Bellamy lets go of Clarke's mouth, eyes on the door. If Shumway's not in the station, Bellamy should be home free, but if he is.. Bellamy can't risk it. Looking down, he realizes, suddenly, that he's still holding Clarke. She shoots him a confused look when he drops his hands and backs away, but no matter who she is, Bellamy is not in the mood to talk.

Now that the danger has passed, the overwhelming guilt and sadness and anger crush him again, making it hard to stand. Offering no explanation, Bellamy drops against the side wall and stays quiet.

"What. The HELL. Was that?" Clarke's almost mad. What does Bellamy think he's doing?

"Shut up, princess." Bellamy's eyes are closed and he doesn't realize that he's calling her by the name he's only used in his head so far until he's said it aloud.

"What did you just- you know what? Doesn't matter. What's going on?"

Bellamy opens his eyes. "I asked you to stop talking."

"I already stopped talking." Clarke says, sitting up. "When you covered my mouth, which I am not happy with. I'm asking you a simple question."

"There's not a simple answer."

"Then give me a complicated one."

"I can't." At this, Clarke snorts.

"What, you don't trust me?"

Bellamy looks at her. "Maybe I don't."

Clarke's jaw clicks. She's frustrated, he can see, but he's not budging.

"And who am I going to tell?" Bellamy shrugs.

Clarke rolls her eyes and crosses her arms.

"Then what's wrong?"

Bellamy snaps up. "Who said anything was wrong?"

"Fine, then." Clarke picks up her charcoal and continues drawing. Bellamy sits there in silence, watching her, considering when it will be safe to leave. Though his room is a hell, it's his personal hell, and he doesn't have to hold up any pretenses.

They sit there for a while, the only noise to be heard the scratching against the floor. Bellamy sighs, loudly, and rubs his forehead. Finally, he says something.

"I'm suspended." Clarke looks up.

"Congratulations."

"So, I'm not supposed to be here."

Clarke looks at him. "Then why are you?"

Bellamy doesn't respond.

"I can't imagine it was to sit silently in a cell."

"It sure as hell wasn't to learn how to play chess." He knows it was a low blow- mocking her for trying to help him, but he doesn't care.

Clarke waits a few seconds, then, angrier, "You don't have to be like this."

"Like what?" Bellamy's getting defensive.

"Like  _this._ Angry and closed off. I hate this place, but I didn't think you did. It's not the end of the world." Suddenly, all of Bellamy's pent up frustration, anger, starts to spill out.

"What the hell do you know? Nothing. So just stop." He can hear Clarke bristling from across the room.

"Get off your damn pedestal." The words are tense.

"My pedestal? What about you? Sitting here like a  _freaking_ psychiatrist. What, just because your mom's a doctor, you can fix everything? You can't."

"I'm not trying to  _fix_ anything! You're the one in  _my damn cell._ " Bellamy stands up.

"You know what? You've probably had your life handed to you on a silver platter. Some of us have had to work for  _everything_ , just to have it taken away. They've taken  _everything_."

"What, so you have a monopoly on pain?"

"You have no idea what I've been through!"

"You have no idea what  _I've_ been through!"

"They floated my mother!"

Somehow, Clarke's standing and he's breathing heavier. His voice cracks at the statement. He hadn't said it aloud yet, and somehow, this makes it more final. He's glad for the anger, glad for it's presence, heavy in the air, because if it wasn't for that he'd be crushed, completely gone. Clarke's face falls. She's shaky when she speaks.

"Hurts like a bitch, doesn't it?"

He's angry. He's so, so, angry it hurts. He moves closer to her, forcing her back up until she's against a wall.

"You have no-"

Bellamy can tell Clarke knows where he's going with this, because she loses the last bit of control she has and yells at him, matching his fury beat for beat.

"They killed my father!"

Bellamy can hear his blood pumping. He doesn't back down, and he's over her, closer than they've ever been. For the first time, he realizes just how close they are. Clarke's breathing in hot bursts, trying to put her wall back up, frantically piecing it together. He can feel something, something that's not bloodcurdling hate running through his veins. Clarke's eyes drop.

"So don't you dare tell me I don't know what pain is." Clarke's voice is shakier, but she's not backing down. For some reason, he respects that, but doesn't move an inch. He gets even closer, even though that seemed impossible. In the beat of an instant, Clarke's green eyes shoot up, meeting his, and suddenly, he's kissing her.

Bellamy doesn't know how it happened, but his lips meet hers halfway and he opens his mouth and her arms are around his neck and he's pulling her, so close, all of their anger and passion making the room feel even heavier than it did before, she gasps and everything is hot and wet, his arms are around her waist and her hands are tangled up in his hair, and he's short circuited. He forgets the crushing of everything around him as it melts away, his mind blinking in, out,  _Clarke, Clarke,_ he can't even think of anything else.

He doesn't know how long it's gone on before the kisses become less frenzied, shorter batches, slower. Somewhere during the process he's picked her up, so he sets her back down on the floor and she unwraps her legs from him. He can barely breathe and neither can she, his forehead flush against hers, his mouth open, trying to get oxygen into his deprived lungs. They stay there, just standing, before he untangles himself and she lets him go and their breathing isn't as noisy.

"Damn," she says, leaning against the wall. "Didn't they tell you not to get involved with the inmates?"


	6. i can't pretend,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> holding on for dear life

Bellamy's days have begun blending together.

Granted, it's only been two, but somehow, the thought isn't comforting, it's suffocating. Two days of bland emotions and dull headaches, two days of silent rooms and sideways glances, two days of this life- can he even call it life? Bellamy sees the looks people give him when he leaves for the mess hall, the pity in their eyes, feels the rush of air when someone walks up behind him for a pat on the back and the equally quick halt when they see him stiffen. Knows the crack in his own voice well enough to keep quiet, tastes despair and doesn't like it.

He's not sure how to start living again.

Bellamy's not one to wallow in self-pity, that, he knows, but it's not like he has anything else to do. His job's been put on pause, his drive on stop. Any chance of friends was lost the first day he denied entry to his home all those years ago, when lanky nine-year-olds pushed him into the wall and he pushed right back, because he'd do anything to protect Octavia, and if that meant being alone, that's what it meant. His life had ended the day she was born, and had ended again the day she was gone.

There's nothing to do but stare at the wall where his mother tried tacking up a colorful blanket to keep Octavia smiling, when she was young and still believed there was good in the world, and his mother had never had the heart to take it down. His mother, who was dead now. There wasn't pain anymore, just dullness.

The only thing that tried to invade his self-loathing party was the princess- and he didn't want that. Kissing Clarke.. no matter how it felt, had been a mistake, and Bellamy knew it. No matter how much red that girl made him see, it wasn't what he needed to be focusing on right now- or, ever.

Bellamy notices that it's time for lunch, and stands up, stretching his sore arms. That first day, he didn't think, he just hit anything he could. The wall, mostly, and it had hurt like hell; luckily, the pain had subsided to a dull ache, just like everything else in his world.

Once in the mess hall, he scans in, does his typical search for an empty table and sits at it, alone. People have stopped coming up to him, thank God- not that he's bothered to believe in whatever those tree-hippies call 'God' in a long time. He glances down at the rations in his hands, thinking- again- about how he doesn't have to save any this time.

Bellamy finishes in record time, realizing only once he's done that there's no reason to be fast, as there's no one waiting at home. He stands and pushes in his chair, almost shuffling back to Section Seventeen, his home area. On the way, he's stopped by a familiar face.

"Cadet." Commander Shumway's standing a few feet away, holding a bag. He nods at Bellamy, and points his head slightly toward a restricted section of the hall. Bellamy doesn't move.

"I'm not a cadet right now, Commander." He begins heading to his room.

"Bellamy, wait."

That's a first. Bellamy wasn't even aware that Commander Shumway knew his name. He turns, eyes wary of the man.

"Yes, Commander?"

"I have inside information that I think you'll want to know about." The Commander points down the hallway and starts walking down it without hesitation. This time, Bellamy shakes his head and follows, already feeling dread rush up his neck.

The Commander smiles when he sees Bellamy follow him, a smile that gives Bellamy worse shivers than earlier.

"The prisoners are going to Earth."

Bellamy shakes his head, growing impatient.

"I knew this was a bad idea. You're just a-"

"Just shut up for a second. Why would I lie to you? What could I possibly gain from that?" Shumway's voice is accusing. Bellamy winces.

"It'd be funny."

"Cut it, cadet. They're sending the prisoners, all one hundred of them, to Earth. I don't know why, they haven't told us, but they're doing it. The drop ship leaves in thirty minutes. If you want to be on it, you're going to have to do what I say."

Bellamy's head is spinning.

"Commander, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but what the hell?"

"Listen. I know you have a sister going down on that ship- and I know about Clarke." Bellamy's heartbeat quickens.

"What about Clarke?"

"There are security cameras in every cell, Bellamy. What did you think, we didn't monitor inside?" Bellamy lets the words sink in and groans. This is not good. That means they have footage of him in the Skybox during his suspension, footage of he and Clarke, and that's too much evidence.

"You don't mean-"

"I do. You're lucky Atom's gone and I'm forgiving. Listen to me, right now. If you want to get on that ship, you're going to have to do something for me," At this, Shumway's eyes glisten. "You're going to have to kill the chancellor."

"What?!"

"You heard me." Shumway opens the bag, revealing a uniform and a gun. "Put on this uniform. Take this gun, shoot him with it. I'll waive your suspension and no one will remove you from the launch- from there, you can get on the ship. It's on Block One, you can't miss it. Do it, Bellamy." Shumway softens his voice. "For your sister."

Bellamy sees himself taking the gun and the uniform, hears sirens going off in his head, sees himself walking back to his room, but doesn't feel any of it.

Once inside the door, Bellamy's head clears. One thing's for certain- he needs to be on the drop ship. There's nothing left for him to live for on the Ark. He gives a halfhearted glance around the blank room, and in a fleeting moment of clarity, realizes something. There's a guards uniform in his hands, he knows his way around the Blocks- he doesn't need to kill anyone to get on that ship.

Bellamy puts the uniform on as fast as he can, remembering to shove the gun in his waistband. Even if he doesn't kill the chancellor, if he's going to Earth, that gun's going to be helpful. Giving one last look at the room, he leaves it with finality, slamming the door shut.

It's indescribable how free and terrified Bellamy feels right now. There's no time to assess his feelings- he must have wasted minutes between Shumway's talk and his brief moment of nostalgia- he quickens his pace. Finally, he reaches Block One, scanning his card before the keypad glows green. Damn, Shumway works fast. Suspension free, Bellamy opens the metal door and is inside the Block.

It's no different than his Block, but somehow different entirely, because the only person he would truly die for is about to disappear forever. Bellamy stands at attention, getting into the end of the line of guards, noticing Shumway giving him a look out of the corner of his eye. Bellamy nods, jerking quickly, giving the impression that he's still straight with Shumway's plan. The Block doors open to reveal the Chancellor, and in the distraction, Bellamy steps out of line, inconspicuously heading towards the ship doors.

There's guards at the two openings he sees, and he heads towards the end of the Block, hoping to find another. Fate is swinging his way, and he finds one with only one guard. The man looks unkempt, and Bellamy heads towards him purposefully.

"Wha- are you, cadet?" The man giggles, and Bellamy recoils, realizing with a start that this is the same drunk man he met the very first day of cadet training. He wracks his brain trying to find a name.

"Grants!" He half-yells, the name dawning on him. "I need to go inside. Routine inspection."

"Sure.." The word is drawn out, full on the man's lips. Bellamy's heart drops with pure terror as the man continues his sentence. "You know what, kid? I know you're lying. And I don't even care. What's one more life on my record?"

Bellamy practically heaves a sigh of relief and almost thanks the man. Grants opens the door with a code Bellamy doesn't know and steps inside the drop ship, barely believing he's made it.

"Cadet.." Grants is talking outside. Bellamy figures he owes him this much, and turns.

"Yes, Grants?"

"Do you hate yourself yet?"

Bellamy's blasted back to the day Clarke had said the same thing in her cell- You don't hate yourself yet- and realizes how important that 'yet' was.

"Getting there."

The airlock doors click shut, closing Bellamy off from the Ark forever.

Bellamy ignores the stares of inmates as he looks for an empty seat. He's not about to go flying when this thing launches. He's taken the classes- he knows how dangerous space travel is. He's only taken a step inside when he sees someone he thought he would never have to see again.

"Commander Fey."

The Commander turns from where he's standing. He seems to be keeping watch, perhaps to keep the inmates from bolting. There's confusion evident on his face. When the Commander sees Bellamy, the confusion turns to anger.

"What the hell, cadet? You're suspended! You're not even a commander! How the HELL-"

"Commander," Bellamy's voice is shaky as he pulls out the gun. "I suggest you get off of this drop ship right now."

The Commander's eyes widen as he sees the gun. "You-"

"Yes, I've got a gun, Fey. Wouldn't want to have to use it." Commander Fay backs away but doesn't exit the ship. Bellamy can hear the whoops of children and the whimpers of others, some trigger-happy and some terrified.

"You're a coward, Blake. Just like your mother. Hiding that girl for years- she didn't even have the decency to face up to her crime."

"My mother didn't do anything wrong." Bellamy's holding the gun steady, regaining control. He doesn't look away from Fey's eyes.

"What, having a second child isn't wrong? Stealing supplies isn't wrong? Sleeping with a Commander just to keep a secret isn't wrong?" The Commander smiles. "I'm not perfect, but your mother wasn't a saint."

Bellamy's furious, and he knows that he could do it. He could kill Fey. Why not? It's not as if Fey doesn't deserve it. Bellamy lifts the gun and takes aim- when the ship lurches. Raw panic appears in Fey's eyes.

"You better get off this GODDAMN SHIP, CADET." The Commander has to roar over the sound of rockets starting. He edges towards the door while Bellamy sticks the gun safely in his waistband.

"You're the one getting off, Commander." Bellamy reaches over and hits the button, opening the door as the Commander falls through, top-heavy.

Fey roars in pain while the doors close, but it's too late. Bellamy doesn't know what's happening on the other side of the door, because all he sees are terrified faces. The ship's halfway to launch, and he doesn't even have a seat. Bellamy grabs a railing and twists his hand around it, smarting from when he punched the wall, what felt like years ago. The ship releases with a deafening roar, popping away from the Ark, leaving everyone on board behind. Bellamy doesn't know if Fey got back inside the air-lock or if he's floating in space right now, but he can't find it in him to care.

The ship's moving, the sound is deafening, and all Bellamy can do is hold on for dear life.


	7. i can't pretend.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a brave new world

CR-ASH

Bellamy winces, opening one eye as the ship lurches for a fourth time. The parachutes just deployed, he could feel it, but they're still not in for a stable landing. There's nothing to do but hope the idiot kids around him stayed in their seats- he has no idea what's going on above him on the top floor, but judging by the sounds he's hearing, it can't be good.

It feels like the ship should be slowing, but it's speeding up, and that's bad. Soon, it begins to get warmer in the drop ship as it breaks the atmosphere, a mixture of screaming kids and Jaha's broken static filling Bellamy's ears. Somehow, miraculously, he doesn't let go, pulling the bar tight against his body, teeth clenched. It seems like forever, but finally, there's a loud, resounding clang and the blissful sound of silence.

Of course, it's broken a second later by the sound of the teens shouting, gasping, and pounding, but it was nice while it lasted. Bellamy stands up and stretches, a step ahead of everyone else because he was never buckled in, and reaches the bay doors quickly. He's at least four years older than everyone on this ship- if anyone's going to be in charge, it's probably going to end up being him, something he hadn't thought about before reaching Earth.

Bellamy's hands graze the button, preparing to press it, when someone shout from the ladder-

"Don't press that! We had careful instructions!"

The boy, Wells, is coming down with an expression similar to his father's. Bellamy shakes his head.

"Careful, Jaha. You're not in charge down here." The boy starts to rebuke, when Bellamy hears another voice through the growing crowd.

"Bellamy?"

This time, it's Octavia, and Bellamy breaks into a wide smile as she runs over and gives him a hug.

"It feels like I haven't seen you in forever!" Octavia smiles hugely, until stopped by a realization. "Wait, Bell, what the hell are you doing down here?"

Octavia backs away and looks at him, wondering, as the crowd grows bigger. Bellamy pushes down the strong urge to scan it for a familiar head of blonde hair.

"I came down here to protect you." Bellamy responds, as whispers start to build up.

"Isn't that the girl who hid under the floorboards?"

"Sixteen years!"

"My god, stop blocking the doors!"

Bellamy sees Octavia's face drop and grabs her shoulder.

"Hey," he says, eyes on her. "Let's give them something else to remember you by. Like being the first person on the ground in a hundred years."

With his resolve steeled, Bellamy hits the button for the doors and they blow open, showing a flash of white he recovers from quickly. Everyone is stunned- and so is he. It's.. beautiful.

Colors, thick ones, brighter than he'd ever seen, green and blue and yellow and brown, the colors of Earth. It's breathtaking, and for a moment, he forgets to be sad, or worried, or busy- he just knows that he's here, on Earth, on his home planet, and he's going to be someone, here, do something with his life, he's going to not only survive, but thrive. Of course, he'd punch anyone out if they tried to pin him with the emotional crap, but damn, it's his first time on Earth, and he's allowed a bit of sentiment.

Bellamy's thoughts are interrupted by motion in front of him- Octavia is taking a step forward, and then another. He can't see her face, but smiles at the thought of what it must look like- the same wonder that had appeared a year ago, when he let her out of the room for a full two minutes- he had timed it- to look out of a window in their hallway, back on the Ark. She had seen Earth, and he had then thought that was the only time she'd ever get to see it- but look at her now.

She reaches the end of the platform and looks down. Bellamy sees her do a half jump off- and Octavia's feet hit the ground.

There's a moment of stunned silence, and then, Octavia lifts her hands above her head.

"WE'RE BACK, BITCHES!"

Suddenly, it's pandemonium. Everyone's running off the ship, screaming, celebrating, but Bellamy isn't, and he doesn't know why. It's like something's holding him back, and normally, he'd ignore that feeling, but right now, he doesn't.

Behind him, the ship's almost empty, save stragglers. Bellamy looks down, raising his right boot, testing the waters, almost, and lowering it a few inches ahead of him. Behind him, he hears a voice.

"Fancy seeing you here."

Bellamy knows who it is before he turns. But he does, and she smiles, and he's about to smile back when he remembers that they're on Earth and then he smiles even harder.

"Princess. Just couldn't leave you behind."

"I didn't peg you as the committing type."

Bellamy shrugs.

"Listen, I-"

"Bellamy, we have to-"

It's quiet for a second, and Bellamy knows if he doesn't just put it out there, anything could go wrong. "Listen, I think that kiss was a mistake." He's about to say it when Clarke speaks again.

"I don't think we're a good idea."

Bellamy knows this was exactly what he going to say, that they're a mistake, that they'll never work out, that he's a free man, and it's still all true, but somehow the words coming out of Clarke's mouth sound different and he doesn't like it.

"And why the hell not?"

The words have been spoken, and he can't take them back. This is not going to plan. Damn, this is not..

"You only kissed me because you were angry." Clarke states matter-of-factly, saying what he knows she believes to be one hundred percent true.

"No," Bellamy interrupts. "I kissed you because I wanted to. Besides, you kissed me."

Clarke looks at him incredulously. "I kissed you? No, that's not how it went."

"We kissed each other," Bellamy decides, "But that's not the point."

"I know," Clarke says. "Because it's not about the kiss; it's about everything."

"Everything?" Bellamy asks.

"Yeah."

They both stop, and then it's awkward, and Clarke's looking at the rest of the hundred and Bellamy's looking at Clarke because he can't stop himself.

"People have already died, and we've only been here for ten minutes."

Bellamy looks at Clarke in surprise. "Who died?"

"Some idiots who unhooked themselves to their seats. Stupid..."

"That wasn't your fault." Bellamy doesn't think, he just speaks.

"I know," Clarke says, still watching the others. "But I don't like it."

"People are going to die down here."

"We were all going to die up there."

"Then maybe this isn't such a bad thing."

"Who said it was a bad thing?" Clarke says, turning to Bellamy with a smile in her eye. "We have to be practical- get food, get shelter, get medicine. We're going to have to work to survive, and we're going to have to do it fast. But we've been given something that no one else on the Ark has. We're on Earth, Bellamy. We're free."

Bellamy smiles and shakes his head.

"You've got me there."

"Now, what are we still doing on this drop ship?"

Bellamy looks up, realizing that they are still inside the metal contraption.

"No idea. Lead the way, princess?"

"My pleasure."

Clarke gingerly jumps onto the ground, looking around with wonder. She looks over at Bellamy and smiles, hands hovering at her sides. Bellamy looks at her, and he doesn't feel so alone in these seconds, right now.

Bellamy looks out into the crowd, and sees Octavia, still exuberant. He glances at the rest of the group, all cheering, or running, or just breathing, and he feels something, like he's watching his people. They are his people. It's not going to be easy, but they're going to survive, and Bellamy is going to help lead them to it.

"You coming, cadet?"

Clarke's still standing there, her arm outstretched, and Bellamy gives her a rueful grin.

Then, Bellamy realizes he's wrong. He isn't just going to survive, he's going to live. Be something more than that bullshit ship could have ever let him be. Look back and forget how hard the path here was. The future's so much brighter now that he can feel the sun beating on his skin, and he knows he's going to go for it. Hell, it might even be fun getting there.

Bellamy steps off of the dropship, and everything's in technicolor.

The trees are unbelievably green, the grass is indescribably soft. The sky is the bluest blue he's ever seen and he breathes in, hard, breaking out into a smile, the air smelling sweeter than he's ever known. Clarke gives him wide eyes, waiting, so he reaches for Clarke's hand and pulls it. She tumbles into him, laughing, and he feels like laughing, too, so he does. Octavia sends him a wink and he doesn't stop grinning and at that moment, Bellamy knows that this is what the world can be.

And he's alive for the first time in his life.

 

**Feel our bodies grow, and our souls they blend. Feel, my skin is rough, but it can be cleansed. I guess that's love- I can't pretend, I can't pretend.**

**-Tom Odell, Can't Pretend**


End file.
